I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
