Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
