If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
