I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
