Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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