I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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