There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
