if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
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