I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Quick, to the slutcave!
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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