we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just pee around me
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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