4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
