I can text with my tongue
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
