I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
