I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
