Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
