My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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