At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
