i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
