new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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