It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
