I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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