hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
