You can't motorboat a personality
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
