ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Randomize
