So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
