Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
