I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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