My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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