You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
