have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Randomize
