i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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