I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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