If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
