my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
