you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
