I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
