It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
