not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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