see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Houston, we have a blender
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
