My friends, they love my intelligence
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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