I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
