im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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