I should be sponsored by Trojan
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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