Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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