the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I met the friendliest cop last night
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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