I hate all girls vehemently.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
