somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
