i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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