I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He shit in the fireplace
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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