12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
