mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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