I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
